Escaping a Delusion
by Airheaded dude
Summary: In the midst of the war, Naruto is forced to be sent away from home. Will he ever- Oh who are we kidding? Watch Naruto raise hell around Youkai Academy, of all places.
1. Welcome to Hell

Escaping a Delusion

Chapter One: Welcome to Hell

Rosario to Vampire x Naruto crossover

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, all copyrights goes to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't own Rosario to Vampire; all copyrights belong to Akihisa Ikeda.

* * *

The Godaikoku…

A continent that contained the five greatest military powerhouses in the world, a place that had began its era of disarmament after three world wars and countless bloodshed, a place where one clinically insane and senile old man declared world war four on basically every damn nation on the planet.

"Not like I'm alone, I've got all my friends with me and the seven bijuu as well, right?" Madara had stated in a matter of fact tone to no one in particular. Kisame and Zetsu looked at each other and then looked up unsure and they were looking at everything EXCEPT to the man that had the orange mask sitting on his makeshift throne. Talk about a sense of megalomania and a god complex worse than Pein's.

Kisame whispered to Zetsu, "I liked him better when he was Tobi! At least he wouldn't be stupid enough to drag us into this mess!"

Zetsu merely sighed and said, "You sure about that?"

"**Tobi's a fuckin' moron, he'd have found a way to declare world war four all on his own, nonetheless. So it was just inevitable in the end." **Mentioned the black half of the plant-man.

"Come on guys! We have seven of the bijuu! That's like… Two steps away to number nine… And close to ten!" Madara shouted, Kisame shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose,

"This is what I get for being a nuke-nin? I always knew I made a horrible choice about being a ninja when I was a kid. What couldn't I be a Sushi chef? At least I get a guarantee that I get to stay alive when I work, and I even get to beat people up for ordering shark fin. My mother was right."

Zetsu seemed to consider the options he had with his life, sure he wanted land, but it won't be of much use when he's dead. Better off leaving him decomposed there to be done with it! Maybe it wasn't too late; maybe he could still consider the options to him and become a botanist or a horticulturist! He heard there was a job opening at that temple that hid a treasure or something; he just has to be at the very middle of the room and wait for any intruder to come inside and kill them. Apparently, there was a kid that was terrorizing temples everywhere and the insurance company that covered those temples are getting pissed that the guards are being bested by a brat no older than twelve.

"Hey, Zetsu! Nice work with saving Sasuke's hide back in the Kage summit! Now we're sure to gain the attention of the Five Main countries of the Godaikoku!"

Okay throw that out of the window, the only thing left to do was to huddle in a corner and cry like a little girl as you wait for your death. The Five Kages were kind of pissed when their meeting got interrupted and he was pretty sure he bad mouthed all five of them, God he was an idiot! He shouldn't have listened to that old fart!

The thing about being an S-Class missing nin was that, you're famous anywhere you go, there was this list of common responses coming from them. One of them were,

"Oh shit! Run!"

"P-Please don't eat m- BLARG!"

"I'll do anything you want! But please for the love of all that is holy get that thing away from my face!"

Madara on the other hand, got these responses,

"Get away from the crazy man dear."

"Hehehe… Hah Hah Hah Hahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, oh God, my stomach!"

"Okay Mister Uchiha, time for your medication! We don't want that nasty Alzheimer's disease kicking in again like it did when you were in Iron Country."

It was just… Sad to see the pathetic and shadow of the great man that this guy was, and sadly, he's still clinging, to hope, beyond all that he was still there, powerful, strong and imposing on any person that walked the planet.

The final straw had been when they met with the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki,

* * *

_Three days prior:_

"_Let me get this straight, Madara demanded I be captured for his Infinite Tsukuyomi or whatever the hell that is?" Asked the Blonde jinchuuriki, who looked at the two with a raised eyebrow. _

_Zetsu and Kisame nodded, Naruto asked, "And, why didn't he capture me when we were in Iron Country?"_

_Hold that thought… Tobi met Naruto in Iron Country!? What the hell!?_

_As if Naruto could read their minds, he said with a hand on his chin, "Yeah, he was there and told me about the two brothers that were the sons of the Sage of Six Paths, I mean from what I heard from Gaara is he could have pulled me in that space-time Jutsu thing and place me at your base. He said he's going to pit me against Sasuke and left."_

_The two members of Akatsuki paused in a moment of silence and looked at each other, unnerved at the fact that Madara could have captured Naruto that day and have made it easier for them. Kisame and Zetsu began swearing colourful words like a sailor on Groundhog Day. It was amusing to say the least when Kisame was venting his anger on the foliage right next to Zetsu who was holding his head._

_Naruto's irises then turned to yellow, his pupil expanding sideways as his upper eyelids gained a red hue.__ Activating his Sage Mode_

"_So, are we going to do this or not?"_

_Kisame and Zetsu stare at the boy in a couple of seconds…_

_It would not be a happy day for Kisame and Zetsu._

* * *

Present time:

By the time that they went home, Kisame was limping, Zetsu's left leaf was torn from him and was dragged all the way home and Samehada was literally grappled on Kisame's back and shredded some part of his skin every time he took a step after Naruto shaved and kept it stuck there for most of the fight.

Madara was staring of into space as that happened, it must have been his catatonia triggering again, Zetsu had heard from Madara's personal physician that it would somehow be a side-effect of his medications. That or Madara just suffered from another type of schizophrenia.

Zetsu and Kisame would soon hate the guy. After another failed attempt in capturing the Eight Tails host, Akatsuki began falling apart under Madara's command. For one, declaring war against basically everybody without a country backing you was so grandiosely stupid, that the first bijuu that they sent was immediately sealed, and with that Uchiha brat being synchronized to Gedo Mazo (Demonic Path of the Outer Realm), it was as if it was the only thing that made Madara clung to his dream.

What happened to Pein and the former Akatsuki? They were absolutely ruthless! Total badasses, that's what they were! Now, well… Nothing could be compared to how absurd and ineffective the current organization was.

"Okay, the Eight Tails has been retrieved by the alliance. It'll be hard in capturing him, but the Kyuubi is said to leave again, they are going to take it and hide it somewhere safe. Kisame, Zetsu, you guys are going to capture the nine-tails, again. This time, I don't want any failures."

Zetsu and Kisame exited the cave as the fish man said to the plant man, "I'm starting to hate my job."

Zetsu asked in a deadpan voice, "You're realizing it now?"

"**Ha!**** Good one!"**

"Shut up both of you." Kisame muttered as he sighed, he just recovered from his bout with the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki and he was about to face that little bastard again? Looks like that glasses chick from Oto is going to have another set of bite marks somewhere on her body. And honestly? Kisame would rather NOT, that girl is a pain to listen to. Zabuza's apprentice had the right mind to try and kill her; she was just annoying to be around.

"I swear; if ever I find out that the old coot meets up with the Jinchuuriki without capturing it again, I'm going to quit!" Zetsu ranted on, Kisame, for once, agreed with his new partner.

Konoha:

"Oh, you just missed him." Stated Kakashi as he raised his headband over his left eye revealing his Sharingan.

GODDAMNIT!

Kisame sighed; he then kicked the small pebble away from him to another area in frustration.

"So… where'd the little bastard go?" Asked Zetsu

"**You idiot, like they'll ever tell you that!"**

Yamato then stepped forward, "I'm sorry, but if you're going to find him, I'm afraid we're going to have to stop you."

Kisame laughed and pointed to Kakashi, "Like you two will be able to stop us!"

Kakashi coughed a little. Kisame, unfortunately, didn't recognize the hat that Kakashi wore, "You're speaking to the Rokudaime (Sixth). And we're not alone."

"Oh fu…" Kisame couldn't finish his cursing as he saw countless ninja surrounding them.

"Now close your eyes, more than usual and count to ten backwards. It'll be over before it reaches three." Kakashi mentioned with a smile as Tenzou began sequencing his hands in a series of seals.

"I hate my job." Kisame said and sighed in defeat, Zetsu then replied, "Just so you know, I blame you for this."

"**Yeah! ****I knew I should have been a fucking gardener!"**

It was then that Akatsuki that fell apart.

Kakashi smiled inwardly, once Gaara had reported this to him, they were all prepared on what to do. Kakashi received this small pamphlet by the side of the road and immediately opened it, it was an invitation to a civilian school, Kakashi raised an eyebrow at this, civilian schools were made for people with high social standards, it meant that the school was most likely meant for nobles that are most likely to finish an accounting job within their own clan or become a business merchant and hopefully strike gold like Gatou did once. Too bad for him though, he's dead, all that money had to go somewhere, and in between Tazuna's pilfering drinking habits from the funds, rebuilding Wave Country and Naruto's near god like level of luck, the money from the dead man was split.

Kakashi thoughtfully contemplated on this and said to the blonde back then

* * *

_Flashback Three days ago:_

"_What happened to you?" Asked Kakashi, as he swivelled in his chair and looked at Naruto who seemed to have some cuts and bruises on his face and body._

"_The fish guy and that plant thing from Akatsuki, that's what."_

_Kakashi, alarmed, stood up and said, "Why didn't you send for back up?"_

_The blonde shrugged and said, "Didn't need to, they were too busy cursing Madara's name and I jumped them at their most vulnerable."_

"_Which was?"_

"_Apparently, cursing Madara's name." Naruto answered_

_Kakashi sat down and seemed relieved. He then put out that pamphlet that he had been contemplating about earlier, "Naruto, I think we may have a shot on this whole Ninja War Four thing." _

_Naruto merely rolled his eyes, the obvious answer was yes, Madara wasn't exactly a good planner, his grandiose scheme was immediately shot down when he used the Seven Tails at the start of the war ALONE and it ended, ironically enough, getting sealed._

_Again._

_Mass producing bijuu his ass, after that fiasco, the next batch of bijuu were not towering behemoths that could crush towns in a mere step, they were more… Bite sized, like the size of a small puppy. But they were in large numbers so they were still deadly… If you don't kick hard enough._

"_Well, as long you're here and the Akatsuki knows your whereabouts, they'll still be after you. So I made up a plan to send you away for some undisclosed period of time and came up with this."_

_Kakashi handed the blonde a pamphlet, Naruto raised an eyebrow at this and read._

"_You're sending me to school?" He asked in a deadpan voice._

_Kakashi merely smiled behind his mask, as Naruto continued to read._

"_Kakashi-sensei, forgive me for being rude and accusing, but this school looks like one of those scenarios you and Ero-sennin would most likely enjoy." Said the blonde, flipping the pamphlet and revealed a cute girl posing in front of the school wearing a short skirt._

_Kakashi could feel a sweat drop falling from the back of his head and said, "Well, it's just a bonus, Naruto. You get to hide there and view sexy girls in short skirts, two for the price one."_

"_Yeah but… Shouldn't I be here, on this war, I mean?" Naruto looked thoughtful for a moment and Kakashi answered for him, "No, you don't have to. We just need you to avoid Madara at least… Until he gives up and he forgets about his plan and move on. You know how old people are."_

_Naruto touched his chin for a moment, deep in thought and then said, "Well, I don't like where this is going, but heck, if this doesn't send a big 'fuck you' to the old coot, I don't know what would. You sure you guys are going to be fine without me?"_

_Kakashi reassured the blonde and said, "Yes, now go, the alliance has another meeting later today and I'm anticipating the Mizukage."_

_Naruto snorted at that, "Maybe if you stop gawking at her and actually talk to her then you won't feel like a stalker."_

"_Nah, I'm not the commitment type of guy." Kakashi said dismissively and Naruto sighed, "Why does it feel like you threw me in a pit of snakes?"_

"_If you want to make it literal, Anko is always available you know." Kakashi said, Naruto shuddered, "No thanks, I'll begin packing. When do you think they'll come and pick me up?"_

_Kakashi grabbed the pamphlet from the blonde's hand, "Three days from now. Your registration's already submitted."_

_Naruto cursed his luck and said as he got out, "Damn it! I need to prepare!"_

"_Remember, Naruto! Don't use Ninjutsu unless you're in a pinch!"_

* * *

Three days later, before Kisame and Zetsu arrived:

The Konoha Eleven gathered by the western gate to see one of their members to go. Today was the day Naruto would leave in incognito. It would be hard to keep in touch with him, Kakashi however, provided that solution by signing the toad contract and the son of the Yondaime would be writing to them on a monthly basis.

"Well, this is goodbye for now. I guess?" Naruto said unsurely, wearing a green blazer over his white long sleeved button up shirt and matching pants, he didn't wear the strange red clothing as he didn't know how to put it on. Geez, civilian aristocrats are so weird sometimes.

Kiba then grabbed Naruto by the shoulder and whispered something,

"You got a camera right? And you'll send me photos of that place, right? I heard the girls there wear skirts, man! You better be mailing those letters!"

Naruto answered, somewhat hesitantly, "Eh… Yeah… I'll do that."

Kiba whooped and jumped on Akamaru.

Shikamaru scratched the back of his neck and said to Naruto in a half lidded gaze, "Take care of yourself over there, you troublesome blonde. If you're still the same then make sure not to be prone to trouble as you were when we were kids."

Naruto grinned at Shikamaru's statement and said, "I'll try, you lazy bastard. You take care of yourself, I heard you gained another fan, Shiho was it?"

Shikamaru groaned at that when Ino said, "What!? How come I never heard of this, Shika?"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Obviously you weren't listening to the gossip that day; Shiho has a big crush on Shikamaru."

"And Naruto learned it before I did!? How come?" Ino asked obviously, if Naruto knew, that meant everybody knew as well.

"I found out when Kiba visited the decryption department. He immediately noticed how Shiho acted around Shikamaru so he put it together and kept teasing Shikamaru about it since." Naruto grinned, oh boy, never dismiss rumours as they are sometimes. It may still be rumours but rumours tend to have truths in them. When Ino said to him that she knew Hinata liked him back then, well… Shit.

"N-Naruto-kun… About what happened back then…?"

Speaking of Hinata, after THAT incident, Naruto had been restless about it. Sure he had a crush on Sakura, but Hinata had done something that made him think about women otherwise! And those globular mounds that Hinata had, were hypnotizing him it was as if it was inviting him to lay his head against it!

'_Yes mistress…'_

"I-I'm sorry Naruto-kun, what?" Hinata asked in a puzzled expression as Naruto looked at her in a daze. The blonde snapped his head out of his funk and said,

"Ah, don't worry about it Hinata, in truth, I don't know how to respond… I mean, I'm still confused about it. You got to realize I wasn't exactly raised in a familiar environment." Naruto mentioned, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. Hinata shook her head, "Its okay, Naruto-kun… I'll wait for your reply. Until then, please think about it."

Ino looked between the two and said, "Woah, look at the atmosphere between those two..."

"Leave them alone gossip girl, let them have their moment." Tenten mentioned rolling her eyes as Lee was beginning to be emotional again.

Their teammate Neji merely shook Naruto's hand and blocked anything that had to do with his green clad teammate. It took a lot of patience and will to be tolerant with Lee. Then again, the same could be said to Naruto. Though the blonde was more… Tolerable to say the least. The younger ninja didn't at least spout that nonsense. Though he had heard that Naruto had acquired that ghastly green leotard himself. Neji shuddered at the thought.

He could only imagine the horror of being around a Naruto wearing that green leotard, it was disturbing in that aspect for the fact that Naruto could do Kage Bunshin with that. Neji already regretted having the thought of it.

"Ah! My rival is strengthening his endurance by banging his head on the wall! Therefore, I shall do it twice as much as Neji-kun!" Shouted Lee.

Lee was already on another set of his self-imposed rules.

"Oh boy, I better stop those two, anyway, take care of yourself, Naruto, and write often." Sakura said as she motioned for the two older ninja and stopped them from doing any further brain damage.

Naruto then said his goodbyes to the rest and a very weird vehicle immediately stopped in front of the blonde.

"Huh? Is this a train?" The blonde asked, the mysterious driver gave him a menacing grin that made Naruto shudder, man that guy was scary

"This is a bus, young man. How would you like to take a seat out back, did you say goodbye to your friends and family? Because this might be your last!" The man then gave a laugh that sent bones chilling down Naruto's spine. The blonde visibly paled as the door behind him closed, Naruto was about to go out and make a run for it. He would try to break out but the bus' acceleration forced him to the floor of the bus.

Panicked, Naruto ran towards the other end of the bus and saw his friends waving at him.

"Hey, isn't Naruto panicking?" Kiba mentioned, as they watched their friend banging on the fibreglass window and saying something along the lines of…

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Naruto shouted from the window, but it was already too late, the bus was already accelerating to a pace that no normal human could ever pick up to.

As the bus began to pick up speed, Naruto began crying rivers of tears as he began to hug his knees and said,

"I'm gonna' die, I'm gonna' die!"

The bus driver chuckled and said, "It isn't that bad blondie, well… As long as you're on your toes, humans aren't exactly a common species in the school."

Naruto paled as the bus went towards that long dark tunnel. In the midst of the darkness, Naruto could have sworn his life was flashing before his very eyes, before he could end his reminiscing of another bowl of Ichiraku ramen before meeting the inevitable; the light at the end of the tunnel blinded him.

As the bus made to a stop, Naruto cautiously stepped down from the bus, seeing as lightning crackle above a building, making an effect that made Naruto shiver.

"Damn it, you think Kakashi-sensei would have the common sense in enrolling me in a school that says, 'Youkai Academy'. Why couldn't I get a normal school?" The blonde whined as he began his trek on the school. Once he was introduced to his apartment, the blonde grabbed his school bag and went towards the main campus.

He looked at the trees that held no leaves in them. Naruto commented just how ugly the place was. And how distraught he was just being near the place.

Imagine his surprise would be to just what the student body actually was.

When he went inside the structure, he whistled at the school's huge campus. The place was something he never saw around the elemental countries during his travels with Jiraiya, he looked around as he walked inside, students eyeing him curiously. Being blonde made him stand out too much. Having such a bright colour for his hair along with the spiky appearance was bound to get attention.

The blonde sighed as he walked through the hallways of Youkai Academy, mindful of the stares, curious or unfriendly, until he arrived at the faculty room. Once he opened the door, he saw a teacher who was seemingly amused playing with a ball of yarn. Her… Hair, or whatever it was, was twitching as she heard the door slightly open. Her tail seemingly stood erect as a student entered the faculty and watched in fascination as whiskered student uncomfortably watched the teacher that was looking at her with a smile.

"Uh… Yeah, I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I'm a new student here from my hometown; could you please tell me where my classroom is? I think its section, 1-3?"

The teacher raised her eyebrow and said, "A first year, huh? Well, they won't start until two more days, I'm afraid you're out of luck…" She looked on the name of the boy based on the paper he had given her

"Uzumaki-san… How about you join with me for my class for a while? We don't allow first years to loiter around school campus anyway, so you're going to have to join a class for a while till' the first years start their class."

Naruto shrugged, he didn't care, in his mind; he'd just skip that class and goof off while his Kage Bunshin does the work.

'_Oh right no Ninjutsu, my bad' _God, this was going to be boring as shit! He hated school!

As he entered the classroom that the cat-woman-teacher… Thing, went into. Her enthusiastic nature kicked in as she welcomed the second year students at Youkai Academy.

The thing about what the teacher caught his attention most was this statement,

"This school is a school exclusively for Youkai! If a human manages to find out about the existence of this place, they are going to die a horrible and miserable death!"

Naruto seemed to turn pale at that moment; he really, really, wished that he could use his Ninjutsu without a hitch. That Kage Bunshin really sounds good right about now,

Then again, nobody needed to know he'll be using Ninjutsu; he'll just have to pass it up to the class as his ability! Now what will he call himself if ever one of these freaks of nature ask him?

Then he remembered that seal in his gut, reminding him that he was chained to a prisoner of a fifty foot tall monster fox.

A Kitsune! That's it! Nobody would even dare mess with a Kitsune! He could be left alone in one piece!

Brilliant!

Little did Naruto know of the consequences of how this particular decision that would escalate around the campus. May God have mercy on his poor soul.

He was broken out of his musings when the teacher said, "Why don't you introduce yourself, Naruto-san?"

Naruto replied in almost aloof manner, careful not to show anything solely sounding remote as him digging his own grave.

"Uzumaki Naruto, I'm a first year and came from a village far from here and I don't particularly like to talk about myself a lot."

Phase one: use Kakashi's tactic in introduction, check.

"So does that mean you won't tell us about who you truly are?" Asked one random student, Naruto just raised his left eyebrow and said,

"I don't care, I'm a kitsune."

Phase two: use stoic, passive and regular attitude about overly strong lineage, check

This got everyone riled up from their seats as they stood up and the blonde shrugged.

"Well that would explain the whisker marks, but why blonde?"

Naruto shrugged again, "I just like maintaining this form? Any more questions? Good! Nekonome-sensei, where's my seat?"

Luckily for Naruto, school hours were just half a day today and he would be inclined to just go to his apartment and send a letter to the Hokage telling him a piece of his mind. Being sent to a school full of monsters was definitely not what he had imagined.

"Goddamn Hokage not doing a thorough job." The blonde muttered as he went away from the classroom. He had thought about some of the students being an entertaining bunch, one of his classmates in particular, a real ordinary looking guy, had been fawned over by four girls, well, one was hiding behind a desk as if she was stalking the guy, but vying for his attention nonetheless.

As he headed towards his new apartment, he heard a voice that seemed panicking,

"Hey, could someone get me down here before these spiky things pierce through my skull and I die a horrible death, desu?"

Well that was a very descriptive way of putting her situation into perspective. When Naruto turned around, he found out it was the loli witch from his class. Naruto wasn't particularly good with names, but from what he can remember, the girl's name started with a Y.

Yui?

Yoko?

Yuzu?

Yugito?

Yamazaki?

Yamato?

"It's Yukari, you idiot!"

Oh right, Yukari! Damn, so he did speak his thoughts about that one. And that brick that he seemed to have received on the top of his head was something to behold as well.

Goddamn magic girls!

"Could you please get me down here, desu?" Pleaded the loli witch, to which the blonde kicked the icicles with his enhanced chakra and got Yukari down.

"So, you mind telling me why you were near the brink of death?" Naruto questioned, and the little girl gave a sheepish look as she walked towards the opposite direction and said to the blonde that followed her,

"Yeah, about that, funny story actually, desu…"

Naruto smirked, "Humor me, Yukari."

Oh, he was so going to laugh his ass off at this after it was over.

A few moments later:

Naruto was laughing his ass off as he heard Yukari's story of giving that vampire woman or whatever that is, an aphrodisiac. Said girl began to be pushy towards to the guy he'd like to call, gigolo since he didn't know the guy's name and seemed to get a lot of attractive women, and have her way with him. That resulted in the two girls that vied for gigolo's attention getting angry at Yukari and placed her in a death trap.

Naruto howled in laughter,

"It's not funny, desu!"

A cement block fell over his head and completely shattering it.

"ITE!"

Naruto held his bloody head, the stains of blood coating his spiky locks.

It was then that they heard this conversation as they went closer and closer to the clearing, "As if I would let a lowly human like you to ever touch this body, if you want to make me yours Tsukune, then you have to seduce me."

Cue sounds of flesh smashing on flesh.

As Tsukune lay there in a bloody heap, Naruto immediately stopped, letting Yukari come forward on her own as he laid his back on the adjacent wall.

He had stumbled upon a huge secret to one of his classmates, Gigolo was a human who was in a school full of monsters, and although he was a bit glad that there was a fellow human on board a school full of monsters that normally came from children's horror books, he was confused just how this lucky bastard still remained alive.

'_Probably comes with the Harem structure.'_ Commented the blonde it was then that he felt the spike of energy heading straight at him.

Naruto panicked as he hoped that his transformation ability worked in time. With a panicked voice laced in his head, he shouted,

'_Henge!'_

Poof!

The wall was then shattered from Moka's brutal strength tearing through the concrete like Tsunade ramming her fists on to a wall.

Naruto and Jiraiya soon gained a respect for walls after that. They seemed to sympathize with them quite often. Jiraiya with Tsunade, Naruto with Sakura, it was a good tandem, really. Master beating a fellow master, apprentice beating a fellow apprentice. It was as if Sakura was programmed by Tsunade to ram her fists on any of Jiraiya's pupils, as was Jiraiya programming Naruto's mind to become his successor in all things perverted and erotic book writing.

Once the dust cleared, they saw a small fox kit that had spirals in its eyes, completely knocked out. What was surprising though, was the fact that the canine had nine furry red tails.

"Wow, that was harsh of you Moka; you really need to learn to control that temper of yours." Kurumu noted

The silver haired vampire glare icily at Kurumu as the slit in her ruby red eyes, constricted towards Kurumu.

"On second thought, don't bother. Be angry, as long as you want, be angry for the heck of it! Just don't vent it on me!"

"I'm glad you know your place, succubus." Mentioned the vampire, her voice condescending.

The vampire then grabbed the unconscious form of the small fox by the back of its neck and tossed it to the girls.

"Foolish kitsune, did you think you could fool me?"

Naruto instantly woke up,

"Man and I thought you would just left me alone like that. Don't like to deal with women who have the strength to crush your bones. I've had enough of those, thank you very much."

Another poof was heard revealing Naruto who was touching the back of his neck and dusted himself off of the debris that the violent strong woman induced on the poor wall.

The vampire's eyes narrowed at him. Naruto got the idea that he'd have a meeting with the ground in a few short moments.

"Little Kitsune who stumbled upon a secret not meant for others, do you know that I can't let you escape knowing full well of what you have learned?"

"That you're excessively violent?" He really, really hoped that she would buy that one; the vampire smirked and cracked her knuckles, walking forward in a calm manner as her Youki flared outwards

"Cheeky little Kitsune, are we?"

Naruto panicked, "Can't we talk about this?"

"No."

Naruto inwardly cursed, this was a seriously fucked up situation he had trapped himself into, he wondered what Kakashi must be thinking right now and decided if he survived this, he was going to kick Madara's ass, crazed megalomaniac or not.

"I can't have you roaming this school with a secret that big, you are threatening my food supply. No one. Is to bother. My. Property."

"What, Gigolo over there is human? Nope, not gonna tell, you have a Kitsune's word! I'll even do bodyguard missions!"

"Oh, I don't need just your word… I need your mouth shut… Permanently." Moka gave that sinister grin as she cocked her fist back; Naruto looked around and then found Tsukune struggling on his feet.

"Hey, you!" Naruto pointed to Tsukune who had recently recovered, "Damage control would be perfectly fine by now, you know!"

Tsukune ran up towards the charging Moka, Who was distracted for a brief moment, "Wait Moka-san… We should probably give him a chance!"

"_Thank_ you! That's just what I need!" Naruto reminded as he slipped from Moka's grip and evaded just in time from Moka's skull crushing punch. The blonde landed on top of the tree branch and stood up

"Sorry, but I'm not gonna' get myself killed right now. I promise I won't tell though, I've never been one to break promises. So see ya!" Naruto uttered raising his hand in a single hand seal and vanished in a cloud of smoke.

"You think he was serious about him not telling Tsukune's deepest, darkest secret?" Asked Kurumu, the fact that the boy that knew of Tsukune's secret was scary, it was only the start of the second year,

Mizore answered, "Most probably, I've heard kitsune, once given their word, are sworn to a pact. They are the opposite of Youko, Kitsune serve under the god of prosperity, Inari. It is said that once a kitsune graces the sight of one person, good things will happen."

"Wow, no wonder I was unharmed, desu!" Yukari mentioned, telling them what happened when Kurumu and Mizore place her in that doom device that would have skewered her head.

With Naruto:

God, the first day of school was already a sign that shit still had to hit the fan! And Naruto was directly in front of the said thing, not only was it boring as fuck, he learned something he shouldn't have! He should have just let that loli witch get her deserving surgery; it would have saved him from meeting that violent woman a while back, he didn't even do anything to warrant any kind of trouble!

With a sigh, Naruto plopped down his bed face first as his mind raced. To him, kicking Madara's ass right now was a pretty good idea. He turned on his bed and stared upwards, as he thought about some of the things that would relieve his stress from what just happened.

His mind brainstormed for any ideas that would come to mind, back when he was in Konoha, the stress reliever that he had was watering plants, now it may seem that the plant life here are different or lack of thereof, but he did not want anything to do with the shrubbery of a school that had a plant that can eat him whole. So he threw the idea of having a plant for easing his stress levels out of the window. He then scratched his chin and stared upwards as he thought up more of his stress relieving activities.

What followed next would be Naruto having a 'eureka moment' and sat up, his grin turned sinister as his eyes seemed to sparkle. Oh, he knew of a _great _way to relieve his stress, it's just that after three years of not doing it, he felt he was getting out of touch, maybe he should do the basics again with toilet paper…

Nah, that's really boring, but he did have an idea on what to do with _other_ things that involved the bathroom, vinegar, Baking Soda, and laxatives, good, uninhibited, pure fun laxatives.

The next day:

One guy raced to the bathroom as he felt that cafeteria casserole surprise was a real doozy to his stomach. He didn't know what that was, but he felt his stomach was quickly ejecting it on his butt as if it said to him

_Surprise, bitch! Prepare for a natural disaster! Mount Anus is going to blow in 3… 2…_

Geez, considering cafeteria food, it wasn't that different from human schools, that in fact, it sucked! Unbuckling his belt clumsily, he brought down his pants as fast as if he was about to have sex with a school idol, Akashiya Moka or Kuremi Kurumu. As he sat down, he felt that relief as he emptied the contents of his bowels in a watery, blotchy, wet manner. He sighed in relief, like he felt himself walking on cloud nine as he did his business.

Once he was ready to leave, he flushed down the contents of his backside but felt something rumble from the bowl, looking down, the toilet bowl suddenly ejected its earlier contents upwards like a geyser hitting the man in the face along with his… Contents.

The following things soon happened within the school, the girls bathroom had experienced that same geyser effect on their side except they all went off at the same time, the people that ordered that cafeteria casserole surprise were now clamouring towards the bathroom like a stampede of rampaging bulls, and a blonde student up on the roof was laughing his ass off.

"Uzumaki Naruto has struck again! This time, he's going to raise hell in this school! Believe it!"

When Naruto said that last phrase, he was suddenly struck with lightning.

"Okay, so I guess I won't be saying that again…" Naruto coughed as he cleaned himself off the soot that covered him.

To be continued…

* * *

First time for a humor fic, and I'm doing this while in another town, it's kind of awkward when you write this in an internet café, good thing most of these people don't know me. Ah well, decided to do this to let out some steam, I'm still searching for a job and this is becoming quite a troublesome affair.


	2. Fruit Hunting is Dangerous and Fun!

Chapter Two: Fruit Hunting is Dangerous… And Fun!

* * *

"You know, I hate punks like you who think they're so cool bleaching their hair blonde. You some sorta' fucking Gaijin, punk?"

"Ha?" Naruto merely said as his fist sailed to the guy's face. The hooligan fell back as he held his cheek in pain.

"You got somethin' to say, ugly? If not, get the fuck off of my case, I'm gonna' be late."

Now people, no matter how ill-conceited, are still concerned about their looks. Even Youkai who maintain a human appearance still would want their looks more defining than a regular human's, it puts them in a position that would likely tell a human that they are above you. Now, it's not that the face that Naruto pounded earlier was a handsome girl magnet, no. The dude that had his face planted with a fist was FAR from it, he indeed, WAS ugly beyond reasonable doubt, and those deep crevices on his face were proof of that. Well, he could have gone and do a better human look but then again, his brain capacity is that of a low grade thug who can't even manage to pass second grade.

"I'm gonna throttle ya'!" He lunged at the blonde in a blind rage

Naruto didn't care. Raising his right leg up, he kicked the guy straight at the chin, hurtling him upwards and planting his head on the ceiling.

"You don't mess with Uzumaki Naruto, bitch!" The blonde yelled as he decked the poor guy on the stomach earning a muffled "oof!" and a groan of pain coming from the cracked ceiling.

God, how he hated being criticized because of his hair! Can't these fuckers see that it was a natural colour to begin with!? On a side note though, what about those people with pink hair? He knew Sakura's were natural, she said so herself, but Naruto kept thinking that there was no way that was real, pink hair, no matter how he thought about it, would be beyond natural. Hmm… Maybe Sakura was related to that pink haired girl in class? The pink hair and green eyes are a dead give away and at least she's gentler than Sakura. That monstrous strength of hers was a trait that made Naruto cautious around her, Jiraiya reminded him that as long as Sakura was Tsunade's apprentice, then he should prepared for some form of punishment.

"Crap, I'm late!" Naruto then sprinted towards the second years' floor and unceremoniously slid the door open in a dishevelled huff.

"Sorry, I'm late; I had to go take care of a problem." Naruto said in a deadpan voice, as his left hand was in his pocket while his bag was held with his right hand over his shoulder as he sat down, the math teacher, Kagome Ririko, narrowed her vision towards the new student, completely ignoring Kurumu who was asleep.

"I don't know what's more important for you, Uzumaki-san, but to me, educating the youth is an important priority of mine." Mentioned the teacher, Naruto somewhat paled. The gleam from the eyes of the teacher was scaring him, it reminded him of that predatory stare that Orochimaru had for Sasuke. It was that I-am-so-going-to-touch-you-in-places-you-never-knew-you-had gleam.

Naruto shuddered at the thought, Orochimaru giving that glare was unsettling and scary and even though it was aimed at Sasuke he could practically _feel _the intent of something much more than just invading your conscious mind, if he wasn't so dangerous he'd be either laughing at his former friend or he would tell to fuck off before HE gave the stare at Naruto. Come to think of it, Naruto didn't exactly know what Orochimaru's preferences were OR what his gender was, the first time he met the snake paedophile, he was a female then turned into a guy, then turned female again, then a guy again. It was like Orochimaru didn't know what he truly was, if it weren't so disgusting, Naruto would have shouted to the snake bastard to make up his damn mind on what he is.

Naruto carefully chose his words to answer to that stare that Ririko had been giving him.

"It was an emergency sensei, not going to happen again." Naruto answered, almost too convincingly. Pfft… Yeah right, the first ten minutes would revolve around him getting bored, after that, he would skip class unnoticed.

Once he got to his seat, he noticed that the girl with the awesome rack was asleep, while Gigolo was poking her awake. Ririko had begun to ask about something called the Setsugen Theorem.

_Shit._

Naruto really didn't know anything past his fighting ability and a small experience in biology, if anything were to go by, the only thing he'd be good at in this school would have to be Physical Fitness, anything else and he's pretty much a fish out of water.

The good news is that Ririko's attention was diverted to the young whiskered blonde; the bad news was that the triangle that Ririko threw had hit the girl with the big breasts square on the head like a kunai. Kurumu's head shot up and blood dripped from her forehead to where the wound was inflicted.

Naruto visibly paled.

Was this going to be an everyday occurrence here? How many times would he have to face a punishment like that!?

Naruto shifted uncomfortably around his seat, he started to sweat from the anxiety that he was letting out.

Once Moka had stood up and explained the theory and application however, the blonde felt relieved and sat sighed in relief, that teacher with the scary glare wouldn't call him out… For now.

Once class was over, Naruto leaned forward to his desk and sighed, looking at the four girls and Gigolo having another interaction, in a subdued expression. With that loli witch mimicking that scary teacher earlier and comparing the girl with the big rack to the girl with the pink hair and then laughing about it because the girl with the awesome jugs was an idiot.

"There's simply no comparison!" Yukari said, slamming her hand on the table and howled in laughter.

BONK!

"Owie!"

"It's just mathematics, Kurumu-chan; surely there are some subjects that you excel at?" Tsukune asked; trying to cheer up the succubus, patting her shoulder as Kurumu held it.

"On studying alone, Kurumu pretty much is horrible on every other subject." The snow woman commented, which earned a good hearing to from Kurumu.

Kurumu then stood up and walked towards Moka as she said, "I'm not really good at studying and other things…"

"But I definitely won't lose to Moka in feminine charm!"

Kurumu then bumped her breasts against Moka's, and stared at the vampire straight in the eye. Moka looked confused and agitated at the moment.

Naruto however, was staring at the group in a subdued manner, careful not to let anyone notice his watch, he could feel his mouth starting to let out saliva as he drooled at the site of the girl with the amazing tatas _rubbed_ her chest against the one with the pink hair.

_Holy shit, she's a bi!? Gigolo, you perverted lucky bastard!_

That would not soon come to be however, when Kurumu had began insulting just how small Moka's pair was compared to hers. Really, that girl with the big rack sure has high standards for breast sizes. Naruto then watched as Tsukune was grabbed by the shoulders by the girl with the amazing hooters and placed his head in the middle of the two sandwiching himself in the middle of the girl with the pink hair and the girl with the… You know what? Forget it.

_Fucking, lucky bastard!_

Tsukune felt himself bleed from the nose as he was sandwiched between Moka and Kurumu who kept rubbing their breasts against his face. In mild shock and happiness, Tsukune felt like his life flashed before his eyes.

Tsukune lay limp on his chair after that, while Mizore kept poking at the unconscious boy.

When a paper was taped up on the blackboard, the students clamoured in front to see the special notice Naruto didn't mind it, he was bored out of his mind and he decided he was going to bolt out of this place in search of more… Entertaining activities to do, until he was tapped on the shoulder by Gigolo.

"Ah, Naruto-san, the teacher said we'd be going on a special trip, she said it was training or something."

_Training?_ Naruto raised an eyebrow at that; civilian nobles had to learn how to fight? He thought nobles just learned how to be snooty, sit around and grow fat from all of the food that they eat. Then again, this isn't really a normal school and he couldn't run away either. Naruto gave this a chance; if it can move his body then he guessed it was okay.

Kakashi did say he HAD to stay away from Madara at all cost. Naruto gave a snort and doubted that if Madara was in the same room as him, the old fart wouldn't even capture him.

* * *

Unknown Location:

Madara sat in pause around his makeshift throne, he wasn't moving, his arms were rigid, and he didn't say anything. He had another lapse of his catatonia. He was just… There, staring straight to nothing in particular. That or he found the stalactites and stalagmites very, very intriguing.

One question though, was looming in his head,

'_What am I doing again?'_

Moving on…

* * *

Naruto warily went up the bus as he saw that man that drove the bus to this place. That smirk on the man made Naruto want to punch his lights out for some reason as a vein was bulging at the back of his forehead.

_I'm startin' to hate you._

Naruto went to the furthest seat in the back and sat down; he didn't really want to be anywhere near that creepy as fuck bus driver.

He looked out into the window in a bored tone as he felt another student sit beside him.

It was Tsukune who was smiling at him, Naruto raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday, you know, my secret that's not supposed to come out? I'm Aono Tsukune by the way."

Naruto raised an eyebrow at this, not catching on, "What secret? You're a latent homosexual? Then excuse me for a moment I'm gonna go find a new seat."

He didn't care if that bus driver was creepy as fuck now, if he wanted to be near ANY type of people like Orochimaru. Fucking shotacon. At least he's dead.

"NO! NOT THAT! I meant the reason why inner Moka wanted to pulverize you!"

"Oh… Sorry about that, I tend to jump to conclusions about people with deep dark secrets." Naruto soon realized it, oh it was THAT secret, this guy was that vampire thing or whatever's pet or something. Honestly, this guy could either be the luckiest man or the most fucked bastard he'd ever met. Being considered someone's pet is degrading, then again, if you put it in sexual terms then, it's kind of kinky actually.

Naruto glared at Tsukune for a few seconds, the boy looked on in discomfort at Naruto until he asked the blonde, "C-Can I help you, Naruto-san?"

"Nope, just that a thought crossed my mind as to how either you're extremely lucky or extremely fucked. Your situation has got to be the biggest FUBAR I have ever encountered."

Tsukune could only nod in agreement, Naruto had another thought though; he eyed Tsukune suspiciously about his relationship to that silver haired dominatrix. Was Tsukune the type of guy that enjoys BDSM? Oh hell, maybe that's why he has somewhat tolerated her.

Once they had made to another dreary looking forest, Naruto had his hand in his pocket looking absolutely bored; talk about a forest for emos, Sasuke would probably have a field day in a place like this.

"Eh, Naruto-san, why are you grinning?" Asked Yukari, Naruto only shook his head and said innocently, "Nothing."

Just by the view of the odd claw like tree made Naruto think this place was MEANT for happy people. He looked at the front where the exuberant teacher of his stood while she waving a butcher knife around, which all things considered, is totally safe for your information and should be very well practiced at home, and an eerie fruit that had jaws on its own and _tentacles_ squirming about.

That creepy durian was really making his spine shiver. Once the teacher cleaved the fruit however, the reeking stench of said fruit was invading his nose that he wanted to vomit.

'_Smells like Kakuzu of all things.'_

Naruto remembered that creepy zombie member from Akatsuki, of all things gross and completely disgusting, the stupid fruit thing made him remind of the grotesque and scary as fuck member from Akatsuki who ate five freakin' hearts and looked like a hentai monster reject. Oh he felt his lunch go for a minute there. That was so a mood killer right now.

"Okay, so with that in mind, since this is the right season, we're going to be fruit hunting for this durian!"

Naruto seemed to retch at that, _this _was training? And the price was that smelly, creepy looking fruit that had mouths and tentacles surrounding it?

Naruto gave a sigh; he knew it was too good to be true. Ah well, at least he could stay near the bus and loiter around. He didn't want anything to do with that ugly fruit.

He sighed once again, only two days had passed and he already missed his friends back home, he wondered what they were all doing.

* * *

Konoha (Naruto's imagination):

Neji, Shikamaru, Sakura, Tenten and Hinata were all by the entrance of Konoha's hot spring district, with a ghastly looking zombie all tied up and subdued under chakra seals and rope.

"And now, to find out who our mystery hot spring Zombie really is!" Sakura mentioned in a cheery voice

Neji grabbed the monster's face and de-masked the said man, revealing…

"It's Kisame the Fish-man!" The five teenagers all said together as the blue fish-man growled struggling from the chakra enforced rope and seals.

"He used the ghost story of the hot spring district to drive this place out of business and sell it to him at a cheap price to establish a sushi restaurant." Shikamaru said as he grabbed a paper from his pocket and pulled out the deed he had picked up randomly on the side of the street.

"T-The first clue we found was the misplaced bandaged sword on an obscure random street. It had a tendency to eat our bijuu's chakra so we were suspicious at the time." Hinata then pointed to the large overbearing bandaged sword that seemed unaffected by the fact that the sword was somewhat _laughing and crawling its way towards them_.

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you nosy brats and that stupid, homicidal, talking, bite-sized bijuu!" Shouted the dastardly fish-man, his plans, foiled again!

"Well now, Kisame, I guess all your plans fell in _hot water!_" Tenten replied

"Kyuubi-doobi-doo!"

And jovial laughter was all around.

* * *

Naruto:

'_Yeah, they must be having a blast right now.'_

Naruto mused in his head, as he laid himself down on the roof of the bus staring at the dark and gloomy skies.

Naruto gave a depressed sigh, what he wouldn't do for a little action for once. All he could see was the teacher-cat-thing, whatever, fishing along with that creepy-as-fuck bus driver. It was as exciting as doing that painting mission on a fence back in his genin days. Blah!

"Naruto-san!"

Naruto turned his head around in a half lidded gaze staring at a very distraught Yukari heaving and panting for oxygen.

"Something happened, Yukari?" Asked the blonde, whenever he was near the said witch, trouble seemed to brew its special drink for Naruto to chug down unknowingly.

"It's that monster durian, desu! I know its nature, and Kurumu and Tsukune-san are going to get killed!"

Naruto looked up to the heavens and sighed. Might as well get this over with, somehow, he felt he was being kicked in the ass for being such a mule about this, he swore there was some higher being up there loved to play practical jokes on him.

"Tell me what happened." Naruto said as he crouched down and placed Yukari on his back, Yukari warily climbed on and Naruto suddenly dashed like a lightning bolt, zipping through the heavily forested area.

Yukari somehow reluctantly told the… Tendencies about the fruit.

A few minutes later:

Naruto was somewhat amused by the loli witch's tale. The said fruit had groped Moka with tentacles as did some of the females in their group. Naruto thought it came out from one of his former sensei's more wild and exotic fantasies, Icha Icha in space.

Naruto shivered.

Thank God that wasn't published in lieu of Jiraiya trying to expand his horizons. It just goes to show, aliens and sex don't mix. Ever.

That said he would never touch that manuscript again. In fact he would have burn it the first sight he got a view of that shit, then probably gouge his eyes out and wash it with acid or something. Good thing he persuaded the old letch about his idea for the book, and the pervert even let him ghost write a chapter or two! Icha Icha Tactics sold _millions_ because of Naruto's idea, much to the begrudging acknowledgement of his master.

They immediately whizzed past Moka and the others who recovered from the initial shock of being groped by a perverted fruit (Moka) and being taken out by friendly fire (Mizore).

Yukari was amazed at how agile and precise Naruto's footwork was. He could jump from treetop to treetop with his feet alone, and land from a farther branch while fixating his feet to distribute their weight so that they won't fall.

Once they arrived, Naruto could suddenly feel a sudden shift on the ground, a vibration that caused Naruto to stay alert, and immediately dashed towards the place that Kurumu stood on.

"Get out of there, you idiot!" Naruto shouted about to tackle Kurumu, who looked shocked to see Naruto coming after her.

To say that Kurumu was caught a like deer in the headlights was an understatement.

The jaws of the giant fruit then erupted from the ground and snapped its gaping maw shut on the blonde and on Kurumu. Tsukune watched in horror as both Kurumu and Naruto were swallowed by the gigantic fruit.

"NOOOO!"

"Oi, what's with the death wail for, Tsukune?"

"Huh?"

Turning around, he found Naruto carrying Kurumu haphazardly like a bride with a bored but amused look in his face, Tsukune pointed to the monster then back at Naruto,

"But… But… He, you, monster… What the hell!?"

**BOOM!**

A thundering explosion echoed from the back of Tsukune sending a tremendous shockwave around the area. Tsukune turned back and saw the heaping, smouldering remains of the said monster.

"Naruto?"

The said blonde looked at Tsukune with a raised eyebrow, the said boy asked him, "How'd you do that?"

Naruto, not knowing what to answer that isn't the truth, lied through his teeth again, "Because I'm just that awesome."

At that moment, green ooze pelted the blonde from above as if the heavens were mocking him with that statement. His total cool factor was lost when the green goo oozed its way down from his head.

Kurumu, who had saw Naruto somewhat taller than last time, cackled as the green slime hit the blonde on the head, "Way to lose your badass factor, Uzumaki!"

Naruto gave an indignant reply, "Ungrateful cow-girl."

Slash marks suddenly found its way to Naruto's face.

Naruto only uttered a flat, "Ow." before setting Kurumu down on the ground.

"Wow, you guys already took care of that thing before we could come here." The pink haired Moka said, as she stepped closer to the three that were in the clearing. Behind her, were Mizore and Yukari, a bit glad that Kurumu was saved.

Naruto put his arms on the back of his head as he turned his back on the girls, "Yeah well, it's just some of my tricks."

A rain of the pointy fruit suddenly fell down. Naruto casually side stepped and let it hit the ground.

"Not this time!" Naruto taunted until another fruit had hit him square in the head.

Blood trickled down from his head as he gave another deadpanned "Ow."

Once they returned to the bus however, everyone received a slice of the said fruit. Naruto, who wanted no part of the said object, threw the offending object over his shoulder and saw Tsukune being carried away in a stretcher. The creepy-as-fuck bus driver mentioned that Tsukune had food poisoning, which Naruto was thankful for all the dumb luck that happen to cross his way.

* * *

The next day:

Today was the start of the freshmen years, the day when he'll finally be assigned to his rightful classroom. Not like it was interesting to say the least to Naruto, since it was school, and anything that involved a pen, a notebook and a blackboard was all but _fun _to him. He looked grumpy as he walked his way towards the school, uncaring about the frightful stares that were focused on him. Once he entered the school campus itself, he saw Tsukune running for his dear life from a wild boar that had quills and a set of sharp teeth.

Naruto stepped forward and raised his right hand; he leaned back and twisted his hips slightly. Tsukune went past Naruto and the blonde was now face to face with the offending monster. Naruto leaned down, and punched the said monstrosity square at its snout that sent it flying to the opposite side.

"Stupid pet…" The blonde muttered

Once the blonde said that he turned around, when the said monster charged again and this time, bit Naruto's head.

Naruto paused for a couple of moments, and then, stared upwards at the gaping maw of the aggressive boar about to chomp his head off.

CHOMP!

"Ow." Naruto deadpanned as he said that word while his head was inside that beast's head.

"Somebody get this fucking tub of bacon of my fucking head! I swear to god, if I knew any fire based attacks I would totally make a business selling ribs and tonkatsu right now!"

As if on cue, a girl had suddenly leaped in front of him, her right hand swinging with her bag as she hit the boar square in its face detaching it from Naruto's head and sending it crashing to a nearby poor wall.

Naruto stiffened at the moment watching the chaos that unfolded in front of him, he watched simply as the boar got limping as it tried to get up and walked away. Naruto's expression from awe, to shock then to dread, as he turned around slowly and saw a fiery cute red head in pig tails wearing a red version of the female uniform and noticing the somewhat misshapen shaped bat asking him, "Are you okay?"

Instinctively, Naruto merely nodded wordlessly, as incomprehensible words escaped in his head.

'_SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Not another one of those kinds of women! What the hell did I ever do to deserve this!?'_

Naruto in his state of panic, didn't seem to mind the girl somewhat sniffing her way towards his recently bloody forehead. The trickle of life giving fluid falling from to his cheek had enamoured the cute girl that proceeded to stick her face closer to his as Naruto's mind went blank.

'_Wait… What's happening? Why the hell is she so close to me? Why is she sticking out her tongue and- HOLY~'_

The girl licked his cheek.

It was then that Naruto's mind decided to shut down and the functioning consciousness of his brain decided to call it a day.

'_Fuck this, I don't need this shit!' _It said and kicked the metaphorical desk it had.

Ladies and gentlemen, Naruto's mind has just experienced a blue screen of death.

Naruto stood catatonic in his place and the girl soon realized that she was going to be late for her introduction ceremony.

Tsukune waved his hand on the blonde's face to get his attention but Naruto remained unblinking and unresponsive.

A few seconds later, Naruto's face looked like a tomato as blood rushed from his veins through his head before absentmindedly holding the still wet area of the place where the girl had licked the blood clean of his cheeks.

Tsukune suddenly had a wave of déjà vu hitting him. But this time, on two completely different people.

"How come this reminds me of something?" Tsukune asked to no one in particular, as he snapped his fingers in front of Naruto who suddenly jolted from his stupor and looked over at Tsukune who was grinning his way over to him.

"I think someone just earned himself a very endearing friend in his age, wouldn't you say so, Naruto-san?"

Naruto raised his eyebrow suddenly at Tsukune before sighing and dismissing the boy to his new class, knowing little that the said girl was going to be his classmate.

Besides, he had something up in mind for the day anyway. And damn would it be funny as hell!

A sinister grin escaped his lips as his eyes gleamed in mischief; these idiots were far too baffled just how those pranks managed to slip under the school police's nose.

* * *

Godaikoku:

"So…" Kisame started expectantly after a long silent walk from Fire Country to the hide out.

"Don't. Say. A word." Zetsu said between gritting the mouth of his white half.

"**Shut up, man. Seriously!"**

"Hey it's not my fault that they expected us to come after the Jinchuuriki in the first place!" Kisame defended.

"You just had to laugh at the goddamn Hokage, didn't you!?"

"Again, for point of reference, it's not my fault!"

The two began squabbling like children as they began a shouting match that could be heard throughout the entire night.

In the middle of their argument, a sudden ruffle from the bushes went by unnoticed between the two as Suigetsu popped up from the bushes and coughed, earning the attention of the two bloodthirsty criminals.

"Oi, I was wondering when I could catch up with you two. Good thing you two are still alive." Said the fanged boy.

Kisame stared at the most ambiguously gay member of the current organization, second only to Orochimaru, he shuddered, and wondered why would the boy say that.

"Turns out that the info from Madara had been intentionally leaked, he forgot to mention it to the two of you earlier when you were assigned. Good thing you guys are alive, he told me to tell you guys to intercept the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki on the _western _side of the country not on the northern. Sorry about not telling you that."

A moment of silence escaped between the three, as Kisame and Zetsu stared at each other in complete. And. Utter. Silence. If one could drop a small needle on the ground it would have definitely be a deafening sound

"Zetsu…" Kisame started looking directly at Zetsu in a complete and eerily calm manner.

"Yeah?" Asked Zetsu, in the same tone of voice that somehow complimented Kisame's

"I'm going to kill him." Was Kisame's only reply and hefted Samehada on his shoulders and started walking back to the base in a solemnly creepy manner.

Zetsu looked at Suigetsu who shrugged as the water boy said, "Don't look at me, I'm just a messenger."

"Aren't you going to stop us?" Zetsu asked apparently, wanting to join in on the carnage as well.

"It's not me that you two are trying to kill, plus it's not Sasuke, though I do have a favour to ask once you DO manage to pull it off."

"**What?" **Asked Zetsu's black half.

Suigetsu replied, "Just make sure to kill Karin too. You know, in a subtle way, as in 'I-was-a-screwed-bystander-caught-in-the-crossfire' kind of way."

Zetsu raised his non-visible eyebrow at this and agreed with Kisame inwardly.

Suigetsu hated Karin as much as he did and that Suigetsu was ambiguously gay.

Funny how that worked.

* * *

Yokai Academy:

It was horrible, utterly and dreadfully horrible.

Morioka Gin stood agape and frozen in front his locker for a moment before holding his stomach and almost made a hurtling sound as he stumbled and closed his locker.

Colour leaving his skin, Gin shook his head for a moment all the while muttering to himself, "No, couldn't be. That isn't possible, I'm Morioka Gin, damn it! I'm the most masculine guy that I know!"

Thinking that it was just his imagination, Gin opened his locker again and suddenly felt his knees buckled as he felt the contents of his lunch rising from his stomach. Not wanting to burn the image in his mind, Gin slammed his locker closed with his back against it and fell down, as if his life was drained out of him.

It was then that the self proclaimed lolicon, Tanimoto Haiji walked towards him in a questioning look before turning to his own locker. Halfway through his opening, he saw pictures of two blonde beautifully curved naked women kissing each other.

Now, for any other male, they would be utterly embarrassed or even just flustered at the suggestive picture itself. But this was Haiji Tanimoto, self-proclaimed lolicon lover and looked absolutely neutral when it came to dealing women his age.

"Now this is just a terrible joke, if they wanted to post photos of naked women in my locker, they should make them younger, perkier, less curves, and more zest!"

Gin, upon hearing this, resolved his predicament by a plan that was instantly concocted in his head.

"You know, we both got a terrible side of a joke, Haiji." Gin said as he stood up and linked his arms on Haiji's shoulders and whispered to his friend.

"You see, some moron posted loli pictures on my locker and I'm kind of pissed off about it." Said Gin, to this, Haiji raised his eyebrow and continued to tread lightly with a simple but wary, "Ok…?"

"So why don't we switch lockers? I'm sure it's a picture still not in your collection…"

"Deal!"

Before Gin could finish, Haiji had already opened his locker only to find a soul wrenching fear that would forever be burned in his retinas.

As the colour from his face drained, Haiji fainted down on the spot and Gin smirked.

"A deal is a deal, Haiji!" Said Gin as he laughed and opened Haiji's locker, the picture of two naked women slipped from the locker and found another picture behind it.

Needless to say, Yokai Academy had heard the loudest and most horrifying death wail they had ever laid their ears on.

Up on the roof, Naruto was laughing his ass off but he swore to himself that he is NEVER going to get his hands on a stolen yaoi magazine EVER again. Naruto wanted to wash his hands with acid once he had obtained the said book, particularly the sulphuric one, after that he would use Shino's bugs as covers so that he wouldn't dare imagine that he still held the book.

In all fairness, Naruto felt like he did a very cruel joke back there and maybe, just maybe, he wanted to apologize.

Cue snorting and totally dismissing the fate of the school pervert and the school lolicon.

Once he got down, from the water tank, Naruto saw Moka and Tsukune dashing from the rooftop towards the stairs. Naruto, who was wondering what the emergency was all about, followed suit, quickly catching up to Tsukune and Moka and then asked.

"What's the rush you two?"

Tsukune merely shrugged as Moka went to their classroom, Naruto followed suit. Once Moka was at the door, she stopped, and Naruto saw that the pink haired girl ducked.

Unfortunately, Naruto was unprepared to what came next.

In front of his eyes, a desk came flying towards his face.

**SMASH!**

Exceptional Shinobi he might be, but he didn't have the reflexes of the Fourth Hokage. As soon as the offending object connected to his face, he was sent flinging to the opposite wall with a bloody forehead.

Tsukune suddenly paled at the all too familiar brute strength, and shouted the blonde's name, "Naruto!"

"Oops…"

Naruto could only mumble as his world began to spin.

"I-I hate my li…fe…!"

Then, darkness claimed him.

To be continued…

* * *

Well, chapter 2, done!


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